As you know a part of being a filmmaker/artist/performing monkey is that you also need to be able to inform great groups of people you do so… ad nausem.  And yes, I do feel your pain, but only when it’s not me doing the promoting.  So, with out further ado let the great pandering of our local film commence!

An Open Letter to all Past/Present/and Future “Fear of Girls” Fans from the Series Creator,

It’s with barely contained twitchy, awkward, and nearly illegal excitement that we announce a brand spanking new “Fear of Girls” channel on the gaming mega-site IGN.com!  For those of you who share the same dangerous level of enthusiasm feel free to skip this mildly interesting, somewhat pandering, and struggling much, much too hard to be amusing email correspondence and blast right into the link below:

IGN.COM ROLLS 20’s

Now, if you’ve continued reading up to this point you may be asking yourself one the following questions:

1.  “What is a “Fear of Girls”?”

2.  “Fear of Girls”?!?  Where have you been?  I recall seeing a new episode like a hundred thousands years ago then… nothing.  I hate you.”

3.  “What kind of crap spam is this?  At least offer me L0we$t Price$ on Lipit0r or promise that there is 10$ Million dollars in lotto winnings just waiting for me in a Nigerian bank account.”

4.  “My love for the present and future adventures of Doug Douglason and Raymond Ractburger is unrelenting and pure as the driven snow.  Just tell me where to go and I will kill for you guys.  Seriously.”

5.  “Nifty.  Now what do you want?”

Interesting thoughts to which I have equally well thought out answers:

1.  With over 4 million views since our launch the “Fear of Girls” series has become a bona fide web wonder – IF you haven’t seen it yet then there’s never been a better opportunity to become to become acquainted with the perilous world of Elite Gamemaster Doug Douglason and his Platonic Life Partner Raymond Ractburger than on the world’s premier gaming website – IGN.com!

2.  Hate is such a strong word – how about “terribly dislike” or “angry but not stabby angry”?  True, it’s been on solid year since we released the last episode – but we’re far from done with the series!  In fact we have a whole season of “Fear of Girls” we’re in the process of developing!  Imagine not just one or two but TEN episodes all released on a regular schedule!  All we need now to help make this a reality is your loving traffic.

3.  Before you flush us into your Spam folder please consider the following:  Maybe the Universe WANTS you to watch “Fear of Girls”?  And don’t make the Universe angry.  You wouldn’t like it when it’s angry.

4.  Um, ok.  Thanks, I guess. Not really a question, just kinda creepy.

5.  Glad you asked!  Just click, watch, enjoy and share!

In closing thank you to all the “Fear of Girls” fans out there that have made the series such a hit.

We’re not done yet =D

“Fear of Girls” on IGN.com!

http://media.video.ign.com/articles/105/1053161/vids_1.html

Click!

Enjoy!

Share!

Ryan Wood

Creator, “Fear of Girls: The Series”

What is the greatest obstacle, the most impetuous challenge, the tallest hurdle that faces each and every Indie filmmaker?

Is it finding the money to fund their projects?  No.  Certainly, when a filmmaker begins the process of approaching investors they’ll discover the hefty accompanying legal offering agreement that needs to be carried en tote so, well, they don’t get their pants sued off.  This particular offering agreement, roughly translated from sixty-three pages of legalese, reads as the following:

“Dear Investor,

If you choose to invest in such a silly endeavor then you forfeit all rights to bitch, whine, complain, and, most importantly, SUE when we lose all of your money.  Because we will.  Nada.  Poof.  Kiss it goodbye.  A much safer investment would be lottery tickets at Super America.

Sincerely,

A Lawyer, Esq.”

The offering agreement will continue to read like this on page after page, in various iterations, sprawled across any and every available page space so as to allow for no room for creative interpretation or detail splitting when hundreds of thousands of dollars flash out of existence in a great big ball of celluloid fury.   Now, a Filmmaker can expect to sit across from said Investor, the holder of the keys to the gates of their film career dreams, and convince him/her/Mom/Dad that this is a splendid idea.  Inevitably a tap dance will ensue and elegantly crafted statements and promises such as “It’s a great tax write-off” and “You’ll be a producer!” or, if they’re truly desperate, “I encourage you to come down and help audition talent!” will fly out of the filmmakers mouth.

Difficult?  Yes.  Soul Crushing?  Very much.  Impossible?  No, with enough determination and hustle eventually the filmmaker will find an investor who finds the sexy lure of filmmaking will be too great.   Will this be the most difficult challenge in the whole process?  Not a chance.

So now our filmmaker has the money, or at least enough scratch to start production rolling.  Over the course of the next few months as the film progresses from preproduction to production to post the filmmaker will go from nearly apoplectic with excitement to straight out apoplectic with panic.  It specifically dictates within “The Law That the Universe Doesn’t Want Your Film to Get Made” that money always runs out at the worst possible time and the filmmakers and their team will be forced to pull off a titanic task with a fraction of the necessary resources.  The filmmaker and producers will figure out a way to battle and stretch every dollar but not without begging, pleading, screaming, hustling, scheming, arguing, yelling, fighting, compromising, breaking down, and crying or any combination of three each day over the course of the production.

Difficult?  Hell yes.  Soul Crushing?  You bet.  Impossible?  No, but it may go down as a major life accomplishment for the filmmaker, kinda like scaling Mt. Everest without a safety harness.  Will it be the most difficult challenge in the process?  No.  Easy-peasy when compared to what our poor filmmaker has to do next.

They have to find their audience.

Let me explain, but before I do so I am going to perpetrate one of the greatest clichés known to Independent filmmakers, a tirade and opinion so arrogant and, probably some would agree, obstinately ignorant that it surpasses cliché and enters into the world of “Cartoon”.  I, a Minnesota filmmaker, am going to explain why Hollywood is the business that it is:

Two reasons, and these pillars are the foundation of a monopoly that has lasted, well, 100 years.

#1)  Total oversight over resource management.  You best believe there is a science, no matter how imprecise sometimes, to the creation of studio films.  They control the money that goes in, they control the money that goes out, and risks are always leveraged.  Certainly, political games are played fast and loose, Studio X wants A-List actor but must package actor agencies writer blah, blah, blah.  But it’s still a machine and continues to function as such.  But, most important, is reason number…

#2)  Total control over all windows of distribution.

If a filmmaker wants their movie seen on a global or even national scale and in doing so, recoup their budget; they have to work through, in some capacity, the Hollywood machine.  Why film festivals have remained the equivalent of the filmmaker’s lucky lottery is the serious off chance that a distribution rep FROM HOLLYWOOD attends the fest (unless the film was accepted to a  Big 5 Fest, they probably won’t), spends the time to watch your film (unless the film had a big A-list actor slumming for art or some sort of unique “Napoleon Dynamite” buzz, they probably won’t), and decides the film is worthy of some sort of distribution deal (even if the film had the other two caveats going for it, they probably won’t).

A film without an audience is a tragedy that leaves anger, despair, and empty bank accounts in its wake.  So how does a indie filmmaker dial into the distribution networks and still work outside the Hollywood machine?  Well, with a few (and VERY FEW AT THAT) notable exceptions, they don’t.

Until now.  The age of YouTube & digital distribution has changed every aspect of the game.  Filmmakers can now find a global audience with a hard drive and a high speed Internet connection – but with everyone running to the Internet how does a filmmaker distinguish their film from all the other white noise?

Well, if I knew the correct answer I’d be selling my secret with a complimentary bottle of snake oil from the trunk of my Ferrari.  However, I certainly have a unique perspective on the subject.

In the next three chapters of this “Blog Series” I’ll recount our adventures into the world of Internet distribution with a viral hit that has been watched by millions of viewers from all over the world – the success we tumbled into, our failures and foils, and our continuing journey.

I hate your script already.  I hate it before you even ask me to read it.  I hate the title, all seventeen pretentious words.  I hate you insist on telling me writing this script was a transcendent experience requiring you to rip open your soul and pour your heart all over the page.  I hate you want to confide in me the talent attached and the production elements already in play before I’ve even had a chance to glance at the screenplay.  I hate that you shared with me that you feel the three act structure is much too limiting.  I hate you just handed me one hundred and fifty tuna salad stained pages of what seems to be an eighteen act screenplay.

Most of all I hate that you have put me in a position to fully disclose how epically bad your script really is… Because I kinda like you.

So why not take the path of least resistance?  Where’s the harm in a little white lie?  Why risk being brutally honest so that you, a peer, may reject my criticism and now regard me in one of the following three ways:

1.  You think I’m a pud.

2.  You think I’m a pud and a seething green cauldron of envy attempting to sabotage the most perfectly imagined script ever created.  Every Mozart needs their Salieri and really, you knew it was only a matter of time.

3.  You think I’m a pud not capable of being a seething green cauldron of envy because my tiny little lizard brain cannot handle such sophisticated upper limbic emotions.

Because if I’m not your worst ninja assassin cyborg script-ripping nightmare who else will be?  That small moon sized plot hole?  Your story arc collapses into it like the black-suck-hole it is.  And are your characters angry pirates?  Because your creative utilization of “Fuck”, “Fuck’en”, and “Fuckbag” liberally dumped throughout the dialog would suggest so.  Also, thanks for the massive amounts of exposition.  I’ve read pop-up books with more subtly.

You didn’t expect an ambush, did you?  I can tell because you’re starting to get defensive, aggressive even.  You’re trying to figure out which one of the three pud motivations is driving me to this obvious sadistic cruelty.  You were expecting “Agreeable Script Buddy” and instead you got “Crusher of the Sacred Dream”.

Other people liked it?  Who?  Don’t tell me a Filmmaker who wants to make it into a full-blown feature film here in town.  Being a Filmmaker myself I have a unique perspective on the psychology of said artist – first and foremost we often hold the belief that very forces of reality, nature, and the temporal fabric of the universe are mere details that will bend to the power of our talent and will… which coincidentally is the reason why many of us are habitually unemployed.  Second, and unfortunately, their myopic desire to make a film often greatly outweighs the time and energy needed to develop a proper script.

And WHY am I unmercifully throttling your script to death with the heavy hammer of bluntly honest righteousness?  Because right here, right now you can fix it.  Before a single dime is dumped into production and the time and talent of our amazing local cast & crews is wasted on this train-wreck you, the writer, can fix it.  Script development is the single most controllable stage in the production process as well as being one of the most influential.

But hey, who am I to say your script is, in its current incarnation, a cultural atrocity?  Fine, just wait until the screenplay is made into a film and it’s your writing talent crystallized up on that screen to be judged by an audience who have paid for entertainment. There is plenty of blame to go around when a movie takes a turn to Crapsville, but it almost always starts at the script level.

Bottom line:  Screenwriters, please, please, please DEMAND brutally honest critiques.  ‘Minnesota Nice’ does no favors for script development.